the whole season is nothing but a reflective surface...

somebody from my past said something to me recently that i keep rolling over in my brain. we were catching up after a few years of requisite silence after, well, the main thing that sometimes necessitates a few years of requisite silence. i was asking him how things were, what he was up to. he said he was doing more of that and less of this. when i asked him if it was by choice or by circumstance, he said that they are the same thing, that we choose our circumstances. for whatever reason, i found the statement to be fairly profound and i have been thinking about it quite a lot.

so this is what i have been thinking. if he is correct, if our particular circumstances are all a consequence of choice, choices that we make all the time, never knowing the ultimate results but always hoping for the best...then i really am my own worst enemy. i don't mean to be dramatic, but i am not shy in admitting that i am not content with where i am in life. but my comfortable silence and solitude are a result of choices i have made, even if somewhere deep down in my heart of hearts i know that is not ultimately what i want for myself.

but what do i do? if my default is designed to maintain this status quo, and i want to make my life better, do i make choices that are not in line with what i have done in the past? do i take uncomfortable risks? do i commit to overt acts that are unnatural to me? do i trust in my instinctual fight or flight, do i continue to hide under these rocks? do i walk away? do i maintain this path? and if i do, what am i walking towards?

i tend to lose the battle between the theory and the reality. historically. i used to be prone to taking risks, not always the best kind, but the results have never been catastrophic either. the biggest thing that has changed in my life since then is this double barrel of debt and a law license. having those pointing at me with every major (and minor) decision makes it very difficult to actually make a decision.

since my circumstance is a result of my choice, and since i want to change my circumstances, i guess i have to start making different choices. that seems pretty scary....

File your complaints here.....

I am pretty sure this blog entry is going to be nothing but bitching. If you are into that kind of thing, welcome. If you are just curious as to what kind of thing gets under my skin, please stay. If you are looking for something to use against me in the future, grab a seat.

I should start with this thing we all have to deal with: money. As we all know, Congress fucked around with the debt ceiling for far too long, achieved very little, and showed themselves to be about as ineffective as possible. Unemployment is still hovering just over 9%. The S&P downgraded its credit rating for US debt. While I was never a big fan of the government, I always trusted that things would work out, somehow, even if they worked out a different way than I would have liked. I want to believe that people are rational and can engage in reasoned discourse to find a solution. But no. There is no more reasoned discourse or rational acts. Actual and direct damage is being done. I don't think there is a single person who hasn't been affected. I know that all the time I spent busting my ass to save my pennies to invest and save and have something to retire with....well, it was all a waste of time. Thousands of dollars just disappear over night. The markets are false. It's like a game, only suddenly we realize we have been talking about real money and not the Monopoly version. It's all so abstract until you realize how much actual suffering is going on in the world because of Tea Party ideology or conservative Republican rhetoric or liberal everyone gets a blue ribbon or the outdated and false democratic majority rule bullshit. It's all a bunch of crap. There is no direct say in how we are governed. But that is nothing new. It's all a matter of hoping that no one fucks anything up too badly.

There is plenty more I could say about that, but I guess it's time to take this to a more personal level. I've been pretty reclusive over the last few years. I will go to work and see people and chat and joke and do all the things people do at work, and I will run errands and chat with people in the store. But then I will make it to my house, like I finally crossed the finish line, and all that social ability, all the chattiness and smiley a/t will slowly dissolve and I would find myself avoiding eye contact with my next door neighbor. I will intentionally leave my phone, on vibrate, somewhere where I won't see it for hours. I will sit on my back porch and slowly feel some degree of relief, even though I didn't realize I needed it. Many times when I am sitting there I wonder what is wrong with me, what made me this way...I feel like something must be wrong with me because I seem so unwilling to participate in the world at large, and everyone else seems to want to do exactly that. At the same time, I really do love people. I love having genuine connections with people, and I never get around to telling anyone how much it means to me. I do best one on one. Groups of people seem almost inhuman to me. But I can pretend. I can play along and do all the things that people expect. I can laugh on key. But....all I will be thinking about is my quiet back porch, crickets, and my dog.

This is probably entirely too personal for a blog, but it doesn't really matter.

and the winner is....

This week just doesn't want to end. And it's really hot. Everywhere. Pieces of my car are melting off. My yard is crispy brown. Emma refuses to go outside. It's just plain oppressive. I woke up on the bad side of awake today....I should have just stayed in bed. I am frustrated by my immobility. I walk like I have a peg leg. It hurts. I cringe. I am gonna whine.

I am grateful that my injury was not as severe as I feared. While the doc guessed I tore my meniscus, it turns out I merely tore my MCL. But the tear was just a partial tear, which means no surgery and a fairly speedy recovery. I can do as much as my leg will allow me to do without hurting. At this moment that basically leaves me watching crap on Netflix to the point of complete boredom. I haven't jogged in weeks. I haven't walked my dog since getting back from the camping trip. Luckily it doesn't hurt much to go up and down stairs.

Anyway. I am just frustrated, and woke up cranky. Tomorrow will be full of awesome I am sure. I have a three day weekend coming up since I took Friday off to be here while the lumberjacks chop down the remainder of my partially-alive trees. H and B are driving down for the weekend, so that will be super awesome. I am going to go on a bike ride if it kills me, and it might, since it will be 1000 degrees outside. I should just go to bed, only it's a million degrees in my room and there is not going to be easy sleep tonight. You know how when you are in a bad mood you only seem to be able to think about the bad stuff? Well, that's me tonight. Gross.

Day by day....

One of my goals this year is to go more places, do more things, live life a little more intentionally. It is not so easy to do, especially within the confines of life that makes it so easy to settle into routine. I really am making an effort. Even while I try to stay in the moment and not worry about the future,  I find myself almost involuntarily trying to prepare for the unknown and the what ifs. I find myself on this wandering path, not sure how I got here, not sure how to leave it behind. Not sure if that is even what I should do. Ok, so that was a bit tangential to what I was intending to write about, but at the same time exactly on point.

Not too long ago I found myself having a conversation with an almost stranger about the possibility of going on a camping trip. While this almost stranger was vouched for by a trusted mutual friend, I was still not convinced it would be entirely responsible or wise to run off to the woods with this guy. I took a step back and remembered my vow to myself to try new things. To go on more trips. It was like a test. All new experience, all new person, so many unknowns, so many risks. So, despite the little voice in my head screaming "Disaster!!" I decided to roll the dice....

And I lived to tell this tale....

I was thinking I would do a play by play for the folks who read this blog, but talk is cheap. I will say that I am glad I went. Glad I took a chance, because I was able to see some amazing things, take my dog on an amazing adventure, and get to know a pretty amazing person in the process. I didn't walk away completely unscathed though....I have a feeling I tore my meniscus during a hike the first day out. I will be limping around for quite a while I think.

So, I will conclude with some pictures of paradise. I will remember to take more chances, both with life and with people. Tempered always, but hopefully less so as time goes on. Life is too short, and I have watched far too much of mine pass me by already. So kids, let's go. Let's do this.....

Sunday snapshot

I woke up this morning ready to conquer the world! Well, not really. But I wanted to run some errands and get a few things from the grocery store. So, I hopped in my car and after driving about 10 feet I realized I had a flat tire. I turned my car around so as to decrease the likelihood that someone would smash into me with their car as I tried to change the tire. The father of one of my neighbors across the street was visiting and saw my plight, so he came over to offer his assistance. The experience with him helping me with my flat tire was interesting. For the most part, I grew up without a father, and with my older brother taking off when I was barely a teenager, I never really experienced much in the way of a gender division of labor. My mom mowed the yard and washed the car and fixed things that broke. Now that I am older and on my own, I mow the yard and wash the car (in theory) and fix things that break. It was a bit odd because this nice guy who came over to help me assumed I didn't know how to change my flat tire. I usually would have said thanks, I got it, but for whatever reason I decided to accept his assistance. He was very nice about it, and I was very appreciative. It was probably near 100 degrees outside, so we were both sweating when all was said and done. Anyway, the tire got switched out (big nail in the one that went flat), and I got to my errands after all.

spectator sport

I have time, and the perfect front row seat.

I am looking for the rules to these words. In them and around them. I rearrange these things so that they make more sense. I make them tell me things I want to hear. I make it so your words leave me guessing...but I always interject in the end.

Then there are the other words, the invisible ones, the ones we can't say to each other. The ones that aren't there. The ones we put there even when we shouldn't. We fail, more often than they do.

And sometimes they come like a storm, carried by some uncontrollable force and you just want it to stop! Just stop, please. Give me something a little less literal, because I don't do well with perfect angles. I can't respond, without using them as a weapon. It's best I don't.

Mostly these words are my constant and silent companion. I appreciate when they go together well, when they create, and when they destroy. The intent and the failure to convey. When you use them so perfectly.  How brutal and sweet, and how none of it really exists. The best they can do is mimic. The best we can do is mimic. Attributing any value to them will be our downfall, always. Is my downfall...

So many years, so much repetition. I wonder if they have served me well...

It's been a quiet night, except for the storm. I am just waiting for the trees to fall and this little bubble to burst. One day.

brief reprieve...

I wonder how many of us would recognize in our present lives the dreams of our past? When I was younger, I had a really hard time envisioning my future. At least not with pictures and graphs. I couldn't tell you what I wanted it to look like, but I could try to tell you what I wanted it to feel like. Even then, it would still be hard to put it into words. Still today, there is a lingering desire in my heart for something I can't describe, something that doesn't exist in pictures and graphs. I think a lot of people have this. And I wonder, how many people there are that followed their hopes and dreams from youth, and ended up realizing those hopes and dreams, and find themselves content because of it. Are there people like that? Are there people who don't have a lingering desire for something else?

I had some friends in town briefly and it seems like we were all talking about this, or something similar. We are all people who have reached some level of "success" in life. We are educated. We have jobs. We are generally self reliant. Most folks, except for myself, are happily in committed relationships. Despite all these so-called successes, it seems like we are all missing something major from our lives. But what is it?

I fear that it is human nature to never be content, to constantly be searching for something else, a new goal, a new project, more and more, greater and better. Constant evolution. It wasn't this way in previous generations, or if it was, people didn't talk about it. The focus was more on stability. I think growth is a good thing. I think being able to evolve is a beneficial trait to have. But I wonder if we take it too far? I am always looking for something else, a new purpose. As long as I have a goal, something I can accomplish, I am relatively content. My buddy D put it in a different light, though, which made me get to thinking. He called these things "distractions." Distractions from our everyday life, and they can take many forms. But ultimately they are to divert our attention from the day to day, because perhaps the day to day isn't fulfilling us. These goals, these distractions, don't fulfill us, but they allow us to ignore the truth of our reality.

Sound depressing? I don't think it has to be. These things require a holistic approach. There is no point in cutting out the bad parts if you are going to keep getting bruised. Quitting one shitty job and exchanging it for another won't solve the basic problem. I don't know how to solve this. I think it means we each have to find the source of our discontent, and excise that from our lives entirely. Now, that is probably an impossible task. If you asked me right now what would make me happy, I would probably tell you I wanted to live in relative solitude in the mountains and never work for someone else ever again. Not a practical solution at this point, though I have many times imagined what it would take to fake my own death (you know, for student loan purposes) and run off to the woods. Anyway. This is a ramble, primarily for myself. I am still working it all out in my brain. I hope I can figure it out some point in my life. I'd like to experience contentedness,..

In other news:

Emma got so dizzy she ran into the stove. And I laughed.

the medium is the message

One of the definitions of rapture on dictionary.com is "joyful ecstasy." According to my record player and Wikipedia, The Rapture is a dance-punk band from the late 1990's based in NYC. I think, and I might be wrong about this, but apparently today is the day of another type of rapture, where the godly are to be transported to the heavens via some sort of anti-gravitational force. I don't think it has happened, though I haven't really checked either. I have, however, listened to my favorite song by The Rapture, and I will share it with you:

I mentioned a few posts back that I was going to concentrate a little more on flowers this year. I just went and snapped a few pics and I think things are looking pretty ok.

Yarrow

Bee Balm

Not a flower, but cool nonetheless.

Coneflowers.

Roses.

So, something kinda cool happened while I was on my run a little while ago. I turned off the main road and headed down one of the neighborhood streets, and there was another jogger coming my way. As he passed me, he held out his hand for a high five. We exchanged a sweaty high five, and continued in our opposite directions. It got me thinking...I interact with people all the time, every day. We all do, at the grocery store, at work, just walking down the street. My default behavior is to be polite but reserved, and this allows me to go about my day without really thinking twice about the people around me. But this other jogger, whose face I didn't even see because I was too busy trying to not interact with him, totally forced me out of that seclusion, for just a moment, because he wasn't reserved. He was trying to connect, on some basic level, and he succeeded. Whatever. I know it isn't any big thing, but I spent the rest of my jog thinking about how little I engage with the world of people. I would like to say I am going to try to change that, but I really don't think I know how. All I am saying is that it's something I need to think about.

Happy Rapture everyone, whatever it means to you. 

ze universe

Topic of discussion today: the universe! What do I mean by that? Well, I don't know! If you are reading this you probably already know how I feel about touchy feely crap like fate and virgin birth and higher powers. I am open to the possibility that things happen for a reason, but more in a chaos theory manner and less in a predestination kind of way. However, I think I've been schooled by ze universe lately. It decided to remind me in a very abrupt and obvious way that people usually try to hide how fucked up they really are until after a gal is already invested and it's harder to walk away. So, I would like to thank the universe for doing me a solid and reminding me that I should be more cautious when allowing new people into my life. I can handle fucked up people, because I am a card-carrying member. I can't handle aggressive, unkind, self-absorbed dick-shits who feel in their heart of hearts that the world really does revolve around them. Crisis averted. Moving on.

Speaking of the cruel and cynical universe, there is an awesome outdoor craft fest going on today, but we have a pretty solid rain coming down. Usually I would be ok with this, use it as an excuse to lay around and watch Netflix in my PJs. But, I can't do that, because the internet keeps coming in and out. I have had to re-write this post three times already. So....if no outdoor fest, no yardwork, no Netflix....that leaves me with....cleaning. :(

I get it. I bitch about cleaning in a previous post and then I am forced to clean. HA! It's how it goes.

I can't believe it's March tomorrow...

Seriously. Where does the time go? I wanted this year to be full of events and activities. I wanted to go on trips, visit friends in far away places. I wanted to grow little arm muscles and go on Saturday morning jogs followed by coffee on the front porch. I wanted days at the river with my dog, hopping on rocks and enjoying the sun on my face.

So, what has happened? Well, I went to the river yesterday for the first time this year. The weather was amazing. 80 degrees. I went with my buddy David and his dog, and we got down there and there were so many people. People everywhere, on every rock, dogs running all over the place, kids running all over the place. People were smoking pot. Drinking beer and throwing the cans in the water.  Being sketchy. Being loud. Being southern. I will make no apologies for the fact that I wanted all those people to fall into a pit of molten lava. Maybe not the kids and the dogs, but for the most part I was completely out of my element, so pissed at all the people, all their trash on the ground, in the water. Luckily my friend David is as sketched out by crowds and idiocy as I am, so I didn't feel too bad about cutting the trip short. But it made me really sad, and really miss living in a place where people had respect for their surroundings, for the world around them. Sad that I didn't live in a place where folks had a different type of pride. 

As far as the rest of it goes, well, I need to get on it. I started jogging again in the last few weeks, then got sick. I am going to try again in a few days after this cough settles down. Arm muscles are teeny right now. Flab is much more obvious at this point. Ugh.

Also, I am doing everything I possibly can to get this job. One of my bosses called me in to tell me that she just finished a 30 minute conversation with the organization, speaking as a reference. She thought it sounded good. She apparently told them that they needed to hire me. Ha. And if that wasn't enough, I decided to show up at a fundraiser for a different non-profit organization, and part of my reason for going was that I would probably run into the executive director at the fundraiser...which I did. We had a nice chat, she said she had to call my main boss still (which is great, since they have known each other for almost 30 years....) but that I should be hearing from them soon. I tried to be awesome. I think I was successful, because she said some things I interpreted as a thinly veiled affirmation that I have the job. I might have made that up though.

So, apparently the rule for finding work is 1. Make sure you know someone who knows a lot of people, and 2. Stalk your potential future employers.

Also, I am making a new commitment to the month of March: March,  I am going to do great things in you.

The quiet life

Are you looking for meaning in your life? In your work? That is a dangerous road to travel on. Here is what you need: you need to get out of the office, away from a computer, away from the people that surround us in this backwards little town we call a city. YOU NEED NATURE. You need quiet streams and the chirping of birds you can't see. You need moss and decay, dead leaves, sticks of trees.
People, eh, they are pretty darn special. The planet? It's everything, and  it doesn't need us one bit, and we can't stand it. We must try to control the uncontrollable, mold it, use it, give it a value we can comprehend.
....
I sent that to a friend of mine who was in the midst of an existential crisis relating to her work. After I sent it I re-read it, and I realized that I am the one in desperate need of all of the above.  I like the quiet life. I like simple things. I crave them, like an addiction. A physical need for quiet and calm and the simple life.

I know that for some people, they want the chaos, the busy life, projects and plans, shopping and hanging out with friends, constantly on the go. The older I get, not only do I care less for those types of things, I actually have an aversion to them. 

Oh, but it's more complicated than words can describe...

Sometimes I feel stuck in this town, secluded, holed away in my private little world, time just passing me by. There is so much more to life, so much more out in the world...It just seems so unattainable. I don't know how to get from point A to point B. Any advice? Anyone know? I want the quiet and I want something more, something that doesn't have a name. I guess I need to figure out what it is before I go looking for it...