somebody from my past said something to me recently that i keep rolling over in my brain. we were catching up after a few years of requisite silence after, well, the main thing that sometimes necessitates a few years of requisite silence. i was asking him how things were, what he was up to. he said he was doing more of that and less of this. when i asked him if it was by choice or by circumstance, he said that they are the same thing, that we choose our circumstances. for whatever reason, i found the statement to be fairly profound and i have been thinking about it quite a lot.
so this is what i have been thinking. if he is correct, if our particular circumstances are all a consequence of choice, choices that we make all the time, never knowing the ultimate results but always hoping for the best...then i really am my own worst enemy. i don't mean to be dramatic, but i am not shy in admitting that i am not content with where i am in life. but my comfortable silence and solitude are a result of choices i have made, even if somewhere deep down in my heart of hearts i know that is not ultimately what i want for myself.
but what do i do? if my default is designed to maintain this status quo, and i want to make my life better, do i make choices that are not in line with what i have done in the past? do i take uncomfortable risks? do i commit to overt acts that are unnatural to me? do i trust in my instinctual fight or flight, do i continue to hide under these rocks? do i walk away? do i maintain this path? and if i do, what am i walking towards?
i tend to lose the battle between the theory and the reality. historically. i used to be prone to taking risks, not always the best kind, but the results have never been catastrophic either. the biggest thing that has changed in my life since then is this double barrel of debt and a law license. having those pointing at me with every major (and minor) decision makes it very difficult to actually make a decision.
since my circumstance is a result of my choice, and since i want to change my circumstances, i guess i have to start making different choices. that seems pretty scary....
Well, you can't be perfect. I remember when you got the PD job and it was your ideal situation coming true. So much for that. But you made a choice that most would have agreed was in your best interests. You just need to learn as much as possible from the mistakes. Now you will think thrice before going to school ever again and taking out loans. And by the end of life you'll have so much figured out. But it will hurt to pee and you'll die.
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