brief reprieve...

I wonder how many of us would recognize in our present lives the dreams of our past? When I was younger, I had a really hard time envisioning my future. At least not with pictures and graphs. I couldn't tell you what I wanted it to look like, but I could try to tell you what I wanted it to feel like. Even then, it would still be hard to put it into words. Still today, there is a lingering desire in my heart for something I can't describe, something that doesn't exist in pictures and graphs. I think a lot of people have this. And I wonder, how many people there are that followed their hopes and dreams from youth, and ended up realizing those hopes and dreams, and find themselves content because of it. Are there people like that? Are there people who don't have a lingering desire for something else?

I had some friends in town briefly and it seems like we were all talking about this, or something similar. We are all people who have reached some level of "success" in life. We are educated. We have jobs. We are generally self reliant. Most folks, except for myself, are happily in committed relationships. Despite all these so-called successes, it seems like we are all missing something major from our lives. But what is it?

I fear that it is human nature to never be content, to constantly be searching for something else, a new goal, a new project, more and more, greater and better. Constant evolution. It wasn't this way in previous generations, or if it was, people didn't talk about it. The focus was more on stability. I think growth is a good thing. I think being able to evolve is a beneficial trait to have. But I wonder if we take it too far? I am always looking for something else, a new purpose. As long as I have a goal, something I can accomplish, I am relatively content. My buddy D put it in a different light, though, which made me get to thinking. He called these things "distractions." Distractions from our everyday life, and they can take many forms. But ultimately they are to divert our attention from the day to day, because perhaps the day to day isn't fulfilling us. These goals, these distractions, don't fulfill us, but they allow us to ignore the truth of our reality.

Sound depressing? I don't think it has to be. These things require a holistic approach. There is no point in cutting out the bad parts if you are going to keep getting bruised. Quitting one shitty job and exchanging it for another won't solve the basic problem. I don't know how to solve this. I think it means we each have to find the source of our discontent, and excise that from our lives entirely. Now, that is probably an impossible task. If you asked me right now what would make me happy, I would probably tell you I wanted to live in relative solitude in the mountains and never work for someone else ever again. Not a practical solution at this point, though I have many times imagined what it would take to fake my own death (you know, for student loan purposes) and run off to the woods. Anyway. This is a ramble, primarily for myself. I am still working it all out in my brain. I hope I can figure it out some point in my life. I'd like to experience contentedness,..

In other news:

Emma got so dizzy she ran into the stove. And I laughed.